//92: Let me feed you my optimism.

I think I have a knack at all things pretty i.e a good decor because I love decorating spaces so much, I mean if money is not an object I would spend it right to last dough just to make a space feel me, and I mean not the messy me (which people who come to know me personally would comment how messy my room look sometimes) but the cosy ones because my mess makes up the cosyness i mean if you look closely there's mess in cosy ha well not really but I wish there is. My house, if inshaAllah this year goes by smoothly, would have all things rusty and vintage but with a tinge of modern to it because that's just how i like my space, i would have loads of frames in neat colors such as birch black or white because I like that kind of colors and my walls would be in either chalkboard black or deep purple or just plain beige or better yet all white and I will hang all those quirky paintings me and my bros and my friends did over the years and maybe finally have that paint party which I ask people to come with their crazy ideas and just paint me a canvas so that my house would resemble a gallery because what is cooler than living in a gallery? NOTHING.

--

And then there's part of me that's always wanted to learn foreign language which duh being the me in reality I always stop halfway and somewhat regretting it because you know I was kinda pro at having basic knowledge in writing Tamil and Mandarin (yes I can, I used to, I mean yes I am that cool or was I don't know, in the spirit of 1Malaysia? I am too cool for that shit tbh), and I learned French a couple of years ago only to fluently pronounce Bounjour (with the nasal N) and Je suis Dalila (which is obviously means my name is Dalila), oh and when people Bounjour you you should be nice and say Tres Bien, because that's what you are, you're very fine. Hah.

--

Career wise I would be stopping I mean retiring as early as at the age of 35-37 and run my own restaurant because I always wanted one, maybe a cafe concept? I mean me and a friend we talked about having his paintings up my cafe walls and me and my brothers have talked bout what food concept should we have and who should run the accountings and all (that should be me because I took up business (somewhat)) and Iki would invent the recipes, eh wait, I think Sy would have a better chance at it because should you ever come to my humble abode, I'd treat you with Sy's finest fried chicken because he treats the chickens like a lady and they are so good I mean I don't know what makes it so good but they are you should try.

--

I want to travel but don't know how far which I know I need loads of moolah. Y'know I have this plan (been getting to this plan for awhile now) to hunt my favorite bands + travelling at the same time I mean that's the only reason why I applied to Boston U years ago so that I can catch my fav bands live. THE ONLY REASON which is pointless I know but I love live music and I know its not healthy to attach your world to it but it makes me happy for now (and broke - but thats not the point! I'm trying to be optimistic here duh)

--

I always wanted to fully cover myself though like if I could wear jilbab I would, seriously I would, slowly inshaAllah. Sometimes I got so tired at being angry at myself because I can never commit but sikit sikit, istiqamah Allah lagi suka kan? Yes, I need to keep my optimism.

--

I want to be pretty, like the conventional pretty. Because. I don't know? I mean having people telling me how different I look from the past years (in a good way) makes me feel good though and i feel like I fit in. In normalcy. Yes.

--

I know I'd be good at at least one instrument because I rock.

--

Selamat Hari Raya, if you read all this you are a gem and do not repeat any of this in front of me because I'd be all awkward and shit about it (but will secretly love you if you do so, your pick tho)

//78

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If you ever wondered how is it like meeting me in person, this video probably sums it up.

//47

I think it would be interesting if our veins are purple, i mean deep, vibrant purple, so does our hair and our eyes but not our lips. Our lips will be pink as hell, no gloss/lipstick/lip stain needed to make it look fresh, and our nails are in perfectly painted-like deep purple and our feelings are purple too. Not gay per se- just, the color purple. And we see things in various kinds of yellow shades and grey and no less. We'll see rainbows in an unidentified color, but the color would be something you haven't see before, that you want to put a name to it but you can't afraid that it will destroy the beauty of it, but you want it to make it personal so you give it a personal name, not something that people would call it but you would feel at ease knowing you're making it yours, in a way. Albeit people are looking at it the same. The same. And then, when we found someone/something that we feel special to us, that thing/someone will burst into a different color altogether, not yellow, not grey, but a color that you like. Love, maybe. That color that you have given your personal name - no, not the rainbows, but something else. A color that you are sure nobody has laid an eye on it and then, at that moment, you feel fucking special. Because you've found your color. 

 -- 

I should sleep. Or maybe read a page of this new book I just bought. (Not about colors. Obviously)

//39: Of impromptu night out and adorable sisters.

A friend invited me for Feedback Open Mic sesh at The Bee, Publika - with the sole purpose of catching the up and rising trio, The Impatient Sisters. A few days ago, the vocalist and I kept contacting each other for the band's tres cool t-shirt (and me, being a giant, can't fit into the shirt I ordered, thus needed a return).

--

The girls were super friendly. I was greeted first by them (!! fangirl alert), with hugs and smiles. Sighs :'), we even walked into the venue together (ahihihi). Proceeded with the return and managed to get a seat. The open mic gig was nice, the venue is an awesome spot for that... and I particularly enjoy OJ Law's set.

The girls came to the stage around 10ish, played around 6 songs if I'm not mistaken - with And and The Ark (!! favorites), and they invited their special secret guest - Zee Avi for her song, Anchor. It was surreal because this would be the second time I bumped into Zee in some random show. Wihu! Didn't get to say hi though because I lost her after the show and we had to rush back.

What I love most about the sisters is that, they play a lot of cute instruments such as the kazoo, and their trademark I must say - the xylophone. Their voices sound so good, combined together which makes the perfect harmony. Forever You Know, which a song they didn't play last night sounded almost country-ish but with their own twists, The Ark and Hey There Young Sailor will lull you to such a wonderful world of soft, quirky music.

--

Comets and Stars was refreshing as always. Eisley-ish, but nice. 

I recorded a few, but this one was the most special I guess:

Check all of their (wonderful) stuff, here.
Twitter: www.twitter.com/theimpsis
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theimpatientsisters

//22: Eclipse.

(via silhouettes-s)

//7

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Totally not my photos.  I miss having a good run, that sweaty adrenaline rush feeling after a good run. Now I'm just, lazy and TBH, I don't have time for myself anymore. Few more weeks to go to the final week and I am scared. Workload are piling up and I've come to a point of just, letting them rot to death.

On the plus side, I can sleep 8 hours tonight. Whew.

Sick.

I havent been feeling this feverish in eons, and I don't like it one bit! :( I have some issues being home alone, I can't be left alone or I'd feel depressed. Even I'm sickly, I still have the appetite to eat, thats the weirdest thing about me I guess, who bothers to eat when they sick? I do!

So I decided to cook. Simple stuff, but I think it is delicious e he he he tak malu puji diri sendiri.

Lunch orang sakit,

ditemani OJ favourite.

I hate calling in sick today because I know I will miss A LOT :( Have to catch up on readings before tomorrow starts. Toodles!

Today I..

So today I got an emergency sms from Abah telling me to call him right away whenever I got the time. I gave him that call and t'was about my brother decided to play truant today, and Abah has been suspicious since morning. Thing is, if I were my brother, I'll go to school whenever I want to. That was me. Abah never cared about me not going to school, but it is a different case now I suppose.

So, S is in big trouble because Abah told me what he would do if what his suspicions are true. Y'know, thats not the first time S decided to bail out of school, I used to be the culprit behind it (yes, I know bad sister, but hey -), and if Abah finds out the reason why I've been acting so calm about this, I am officially. dead.

I gave S a call, telling him to do thing that he thinks right. I dont know. Sigh. I hope he'd do the right thing and leave me out of this (yes, again, bad sister :P). S lied to me and I know he was lying, I am his sister after all. Boys, seriously, if you're reading this, I can detect that you are lying in an instance, I have that gift. So save your sorry ass and stop lying for effin sake, CAPICHE?

I don;t know why I even let this be known. I guess, when the time is right and I already have a family of my own and I'm having this problem where my kids don't let me in their lives, I'll have this as a guide. And Abah, if you're reading this... we're so used of not coming to school. Especially me. So, I am sorry. Hu hu.

Patut tidur sekarang, tapi ada quiz esok. Jadi kena stay up sekejap.

Pernah tak rasa tiba-tiba macam nak lari pergi satu tempat yang orang tak pernah kenal kita dan tak akan kisah pasal kita lepas kita tahu orang dah start tahu pasal kita. Tapi, dekat tempat yang kita nak jadi anonymous tu, kita nak juga ada komiti kecil yang faham kita, yang memang dibentuk khas untuk kita sahaja. Those people that gets you no matter who you want to be/what you feel.

--

Aku tengah rasa macam tu sekarang.

--

Dan, pernah tak rasa tiba-tiba macam nak cemburu dekat benda yang tak sepatutnya, benda yang patutnya, kita dah lama accept and move on dan memang patut cakap depan muka "The world doesn't revolve around you, bitch". Tak, ini bukan cemburu dalam konteks lovers. Just, jealous, in general. Macam hak kita dirampas, tapi sepatutnya memang patut di-share oleh semua.

Aku tak suka jadi sehijau ini. Bulan puasa mana boleh rasa macam ni. Hish.

Sahur: Dulu & Sekarang.

Dulu kan masa zaman sekolah-sekolah, masa zaman internet masih rare dan cool which makes it "in" at that time, aku rasa salah satu aktiviti yang paling seronok untuk stay awake for sahur was by chatting. Masa tu, platform paling popular was mIRC. 80s kids, siapa yang tak pernah ada huge circle of friends (bagi aku, family of friends yang sangat rapat dan besar) [1], korang memang loser - rugi besar wa cakap lu. Peak hours pukul 2 sampai pukul 5, bila mana creative juice membuak-buak, asyik nak bercaaaaaakap je. In dire need of social interaction lah konon. Aku serious tak faham macam mana aku boleh stay up macam tu every single day. Kalau buat baca Quran pun ada la sikit faedahnya ye dak?

Tapi seronok gila. Seronok sangat, masa-masa macam tu la yang buat aku miss zaman sekolah aku. (Haha kan aku pernah cakap, time sekolah aku loser, so kawan-kawan aku 80% adalah kawan virtual. Dorang best, tak judge. What you see is what you get. Takde conman sangat time tu). Semua pakat lepas terawikh log on sama-sama, cerita apa yang best masa lepas terawikh... contohnya macam kawan lama aku (okay, sekarang tak pasti status tu macam mana sebab dah lost contact. Ada history ni kikiki), si Z, memang hari-hari akan main mercun. Aku memang idakle. Time tu Ibu masih ada, dan dah start sakit, the only entertainment I had was that, so aku lost dalam dunia aku, sama macam aku lost dalam Tumblr world sekarang (itu, cerita lain).

Lepastu, after 5 am macam tu, sorang-sorang logged out, ye lah nak sahur. Siapa yang hardcore macam aku akan stay up lagi sampai pukul 8 macam tu. Hm, aku rasa aku banyak ponteng or cuti sekolah kot masa benda ni berlaku (circa 2001-2003) [2], so tu pasal aku tak kisah stay up late. Tapi kat sekolah kow-kow punya la qada' tidur. Aku memang kaki ponteng. Lagi teruk bila start form 4, lepas Ibu dah tak ada. Sebab takde orang nak monitor aku. Selalu ponteng dengan si kawan baik. Selalu disini adalah dalam konteks at least, sekali seminggu. Hohoh. Kalau adik aku buat perangai buruk macamtu, memang dah lama kena sebat dengan Abah. Tapi aku relax. Chill orang kata :-P

Tapi harini aku sahur, aktiviti aku untuk stay awake was talking to my roomate, makan sambil bercakap. Buruk gila perangai. Lepastu tunggu Subuh, dan apa yang aku buat? Aku update blog, tengok Tumblr, adala baca notes sikit-sikit sebab jap lagi ada quiz. Haha. Safe to say, bosan gila. Okaylah, tanggungjawab dah memanggil. Selamat berpuasa!

--

[1] Sampai sekarang aku masih keep in touch dengan budak-budak ni, 50% of them aku jumpa on yearly basis. Ye lah, yang sorang tu kat Sarawak (hi Zim!), ada yang kat UK (hi Kijat!), ada yang kat Perlis (hi Nuul!), jauh sangat kalau nak buat monthly ye dak?

[2] Aku rasa time ni pun mungkin aku sekolah petang kot. So yeah, that explains it.

Hello untuk awak.

Hai orang Melaka (I assume) yang ada say Hi dekat formspring dulu. Lama tak nampak dekat feedjit? Sihat? Saja mahu say hello balik! :)

Of snail mail and whatnots.

Tadi, masa kelas Investment, atas meja aku ada tertera satu ukiran yang spell out the word (or more like a question - the way the 'crafter' did it) "Bored...?", instinctively, I replied "Yes, very. Help?" and I'm not gonna lie that I was hoping for a reply. That simple message makes me realize how much I miss communicating anonymously.

Memang, up to one point we would love to reveal ourselves sebab sampai bila pun nak jadi anon, right? That'll be the stage when I've already feel comfortable with the person(s). Dulu, masa sekolah, I had a pet sis, we've never really talk that much with each other but we communicate a lot on papers. Pass-pass letters bawah meja. How oldskool! That was circa 2000. Come Raya, she'd post me Raya cards and it went on for two years. I was in form one and she was in form four. I swear I'd feel all excited receiving and replying messages, and anticipating the times when we saw each other and all that shizz.

Okay, aku dulu loser (sekarang pun, mungkin). Sumpah takde guy nak dekat aku. Haha, so yeah, jika anda bertanyakan soalan "Eleh, tu pun nak excited ke, kakak angkat je pun", soalan anda telah terjawab. Ok, moving on! Now, we have all these social networks that show who we are on the outside, kira memang tak in depth, but kalau orang stalk, people can read you by heart, in a way - bahaya. And, in a way, we've lost our privacy (even if kita bukan public figure of some sort...but still). If we keep our accounts private pun, we tend to add people we like, (albeit, we never talk to this person in real life, at all)... takde la private mana kan?

Tak, sebenarnya aku dah sidetracked panjang gila ni. Aku rindu nak dapat snail mail dalam mailbox merah depan rumah (okay, sekarang stail mailbox dah lain, takbest, takde feel - penuh dengan bills je), nampak effort orang tu nak communicate dengan kita macam mana. Ape barang wall to wall bila jumpa depan depan senyum macam tak nak senyum?

--

p/s: BTW, thanks to sesiapa yang ambik serious post lepas. Minggu ni aku dah tenang banyak. Terima kasih again, harap karma baik datang berganda-ganda kat korang! Amin. :)

3:13AM

It's 3 already and I have yet to decide to fast or not today (technically, it's already Friday- ), fiddled around with this software that has been ages pre-installed in Jagger [1] - which I miraculously found out how to finally fully utilize it (still learning tho-), results are out but I haven't got the chance to see mine yet due to minor difficulties - I have to call up finance tomorrow and find out what's up with my result and why it can't be released yet like everyone else because I settled all the fees before the final examinations. Oh, panjang berjelanya introduction... So here it is, tak tahulah kenapa lately kalau nak poyo-poyo record something mesti I'll save it as [insertrandomfoodnamehere].mp3. -.- I guess me and food can't be separated at all.

Trix.

Tak sedap pun ye, tapi saja bosan sebab penat menunggu last-last tak jadi apa. Memang saja bagi suspens lebih :( Haih, macam mana lah agaknya result yang ini, serious takut gila sebab semester yang ini macam penentu segala-gala lah, I've mentioned in a post few while back and I can have ridiculous anxiety attacks just because of this. Seriously, I think, aku memang takut nak deal dengan orang-orang atasan, bukan takut saja saja ye, memang fobia gila - aku pernah kena panic attack due to one assignment that needed me to do an interview and the only person I can think of at that moment was my friend's dad which is also some CEO in Utusan. Egh, disturbing pulak bila fikir balik. So kalau result aku teruk, I don't know how to impress them with just my CV. Gila tak. Dulu masa buat intern dekat this big ass company [2] in KL, pun agak menakutkan masa kena interview, aku tak tahu macam mana they decided to attach me to the company. Maybe sebab aku je yang rajin buat follow up kot? [3]

I think I should get some sleep and maybe bangun for sahur, maybe.

--

[1] Totally derived from Ke$ha's TikTok yang ada part Mick Jagger tapi aku tukar sikit jadi Mac Jagger ha ha.

[2] Kerja dia senang je pun, takut je lebih. Company multinational, tapi aku rasa dekat Malaysia yang paling kecik and paling banyak deal dengan other countries, so not fair man. Server down sikit, kita kena. Tapi paling relax bila server down sebab bukan line aku hahah.

[3]Memang ikut betul Interviews for Dummies. Aku memang sore loser sikit bab-bab ni, dan skema yang amat.

Dudes and dudettes, it's effin July already? Whoah.

--

I feel like we're only getting to April, twentyten you move too fast, slowwww down!

Y'know, I felt like I was having a mild heart attack when I saw today's date. I'm so lost in counting dates nowadays up to a point it's kinda creepy. Like, hello, 7 months already? What have I done during those 7 months ~ I didn't feel like I've completed my first year at all, in fact, I feel like I'm just starting uni and still learning faces.

I have this ~ "A year ago..." ~ reminisce moments going on whenever it reaches the first of the month, and surprisingly I reflect a lot on 2009 now. How my life changed so much from last year, yet I didn't feel like I'm living the twentyten yet, not even a bit.

--

Holy guacamole!