Revelation #1

Here goes my Maal Hijrah's so-called revelation sparks and whatnots.

Happiest new year to all my muslim friends, may Allah guide and grant us Jannah, inshaAllah.
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Kalau ditimbang kira, dah masuk dua bulan aku kerja. Dua bulan. I still feel like I've been there less than a month, still learning; lari sana lari sini, buat salah sana sini, berjutajuta silent scream yang terpaksa aku tahan, pendam, simpan untuk bekalan yang entah bila akan aku lepaskan semua.

Aku tak tahu for real, is this it? I mean, ye aku tahu, peluang kerja bukan datang bergolek. Aku patut rasa bersyukur yang teramat sangat sebab sekarang, I am in control, albeit partially, I finally have a say on what I want to do with my life and I can finally give a big fat No, mean it and be firm with it.

The fact that my officemates keep bring up the "don't-hop-jobs" card on me is making me think: Am I really THAT obvious with hating my current job? Do I really exert that negative vibe to everyone and made them think that I actually planning to leave? Because there is only two person in the whole company knows about this. And they're not the kind that tell people stuff. So, it really confuses me.

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Aku rasa aku ketagihkan produktiviti. Ketagih nak jadi busy sentiasa. I think we all are, in a way, maybe you just didn't realize it, yet. I mean, when I'm productive, I'd feel less useless. I'd feel like I'm contributing and that is all I seek in whatever I do. To contribute, to make people feel happy, at ease, and in return I'd get the satisfaction that I'm out there, doing something even it's the smallest thing.
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And given the fact that it's the new year, and I'm turning a new leaf, I think that people in relationship is rich. In terms of emotions I guess? Because being in relationship (whatever kind) requires a lot of feelings to have, to feel, to give. Which is something I'm stingy on. I guess I don't have that luxury for now - to have feelings. Why?

Because something really bad happen a few days ago, it has always been bad though but this is the worst yet. I was so mad, so angry at everything - myself included. I wanted to cry, but I told myself not to. And I realized, I haven't cried in a while, not at this kind of thing anyway - it used to make me feel like my life is a living hell - which to be honest, it still does, but I'm so void emotionally to even entertain this thing anymore. So i just sat there, ranted about it the next day and it still bugs me that I haven't react entirely to it yet - though it deserve my screams, crying and all that.

I don't know. I don't know what is, anymore.

I guess the new year requires me to be a little bit more tougher and stronger.
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There, my soul-searchy post after the whole 101 posts shenanigans.

//96: 25

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Yes, William effin' Beckett wished me a few days earlier before my birthday and I received one extra prints from my favorite drummer, The Butcher. A personal message from Mr. Beckett will be waiting for me in a few weeks' time (because I have such an awesome friend to help me with this ♥)
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I turned 25 on Monday. I'll be working soon, like soon next week kind of soon. I've been living alone for a week since Monday which I havent been doing in years, and it sucks, so far. Which I'm coming to a conclusion that I cannot live alone. Ever. (Which is why, I need to work hard and get me and bros a place to live in peace)

It's not that I got depressed, it's just that everything seems to be... stagnant and slooooow. I hope things get better next week, inshaAllah. c:

This year birthday/birthweek wasn't as eventful as last year's but ohmygod did you see what did I get for this year? William Beckett & The Butcher. gsfdgfhjdgas. My 18 years old self would tell me to get the hell off because THIS won't happen, not in a million years, but it happened. So BOOYAH 18 y/o self! :P

I got to see Evie one last time too, that precious little kid. Easily my favorite kid on earth ♥
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Y'know what, I thought I'd come up with uber cool, deep and meaningful post because hey I'm 25 now. But guess what I can't hahahaha, well I guess age is just a number after all. I'll take on my world soon, and I will rock it. As hard as I can. *Yay for optimism!*

So this will do for now.
I befriend so much people (in and out of Malaysia, in fact) for the past 3 months, thanks for the unemployment, social network and Beckett.

Ja!

//95

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That's not the point, the picture I mean. I'm not going to talk about how "fall apart" I was but this. I most probably will end my status as an unemployed graduate status soon, which is great. I mean, i've searched high and low for this and I got it anddd y'know I'm supposed to be looking forward to it right? I am. I was. I think?

People painted this career life or path being an adult like it is such a bad news that you could not get out off, I mean that's effing scary sia. I know it's normal to feel all the jitters and being all nervous and shit but ohmygod have you check the time this entry is posted? 10 freaking AM. I don't do 10 AM no sir, 10 AM for me is a William-Beckett-o'clock in my town and everywhere else in WB fandom. Yes, I got sucked into the fandom/bandom yet again but that's not the point.

Oh God, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say to you. I guess, I'm afraid that I'd be that boring old adult in the corner and sulk at how life is, y'know? I mean I REFUSE to be boring. I REFUSE to stop whatever this is. But on the other hand, maybe this is what it is? It is meant to be. I am meant to end up boring and wrinkly and responsibilities are my best friend. sagfdhasfdga THIS JUST GOT REAL MAN.

Excuse me for exuding a sense of wimpiness but I am scared shitless. I have to start doing my SAP reading up again and ohmygod sdfghjkl. Yeah wait, I can't use that kind of language with you because you don't understand fangirl talk. So-ory.

But then again I've been unemployed for months! I'm SO spent on doing precisely nothing and being unproductive, I wanna try something else. But this "something else" is permanent. You know how effing scary that sound? You're gonna "try" something that will go on, for at least 30 years. 30 frikkin years man. And at the end, at the end of 30 years I'd be this boring makcik who'd make nasi lemak for living (I dont know. Maybe? But I wanna have my own restaurant by then i DONT KNOW), oh gosh now these thoughts are making my tummy upset.

That's my update on life. On the other note, I'm so gonna miss everyone. I'm not exaggerating one bit.

//80

Kehadapan awak yang dikasihi,
Berhenti berharap dan mula mencari.

Cinta,
Saya.

(dan)

Kehadapan kerja yang saya jangka datang bulan enam,
Berhenti sembunyi dan mula tunjukkan diri.

Cinta & sayang,
Saya.