Here goes my Maal Hijrah's so-called revelation sparks and whatnots.
Happiest new year to all my muslim friends, may Allah guide and grant us Jannah, inshaAllah.
Kalau ditimbang kira, dah masuk dua bulan aku kerja. Dua bulan. I still feel like I've been there less than a month, still learning; lari sana lari sini, buat salah sana sini, berjutajuta silent scream yang terpaksa aku tahan, pendam, simpan untuk bekalan yang entah bila akan aku lepaskan semua.
Aku tak tahu for real, is this it? I mean, ye aku tahu, peluang kerja bukan datang bergolek. Aku patut rasa bersyukur yang teramat sangat sebab sekarang, I am in control, albeit partially, I finally have a say on what I want to do with my life and I can finally give a big fat No, mean it and be firm with it.
The fact that my officemates keep bring up the "don't-hop-jobs" card on me is making me think: Am I really THAT obvious with hating my current job? Do I really exert that negative vibe to everyone and made them think that I actually planning to leave? Because there is only two person in the whole company knows about this. And they're not the kind that tell people stuff. So, it really confuses me.
Aku rasa aku ketagihkan produktiviti. Ketagih nak jadi busy sentiasa. I think we all are, in a way, maybe you just didn't realize it, yet. I mean, when I'm productive, I'd feel less useless. I'd feel like I'm contributing and that is all I seek in whatever I do. To contribute, to make people feel happy, at ease, and in return I'd get the satisfaction that I'm out there, doing something even it's the smallest thing.
And given the fact that it's the new year, and I'm turning a new leaf, I think that people in relationship is rich. In terms of emotions I guess? Because being in relationship (whatever kind) requires a lot of feelings to have, to feel, to give. Which is something I'm stingy on. I guess I don't have that luxury for now - to have feelings. Why?
Because something really bad happen a few days ago, it has always been bad though but this is the worst yet. I was so mad, so angry at everything - myself included. I wanted to cry, but I told myself not to. And I realized, I haven't cried in a while, not at this kind of thing anyway - it used to make me feel like my life is a living hell - which to be honest, it still does, but I'm so void emotionally to even entertain this thing anymore. So i just sat there, ranted about it the next day and it still bugs me that I haven't react entirely to it yet - though it deserve my screams, crying and all that.
I don't know. I don't know what is, anymore.
I guess the new year requires me to be a little bit more tougher and stronger.
There, my soul-searchy post after the whole 101 posts shenanigans.