Funny little world.

Funny how life took a turn.
Alhamdulillah for that.

I'm in for a new adventure with life and to be honest, I am scared. I cannot believe I actually seek my way out and I'm not really sure if this is *it* but I got to get through it so that I know, yes?

I mean why the heck am I being /selected/ if I am not fit for it. Kan?
--
Been having a lot of me time and a lot of things to ponder upon. Gosh, 2013 is really the year to be independent and shit. I foresee  a lot more breakdowns from me but hey that's normal, when you are down the only way is up *Sila simpan optimistik ini Dalila, jangan buat buat lupa*
--
I am not implying that 2012 is shitty, after all I did wish the year would make me, me. I guess I gotta learn my flaws and what nots so I can bear with all the happiness coming my way this year, cewah!
Hahaha and look at me, a month too late to even write a proper pre-new year post but oh well.

I haven't been good with words lately. I cannot focus more than 5 minutes which is not good, but not bad either because it means I can multitask.
--
I got SO many things to do, SO many things to be thankful of, and 2013 sjdbhsjagfdgahfsdas I'm gonna be an adult for reals.

So, just, be nice, and let me be...happy (or less depressing, that'd be nice too)

Post-100 posts

Wow it just hit me that Yuna that I used to know is not what Yuna is now.
I mean, I used to be able randomly drop that girl a message and I'd get a reply,
heck I even get to chat with her occasionally dulu; catching up on stuff, talks about boys and stuff. (yes I can't even believe it myself.)

I don't even know if I even got the chance to talk to her end of this month.
Wow, everyone just change so much.

(I am NOT implying that she's totally a different person (she's still who she is, well at least that's what my last memory of her can recall), it's just that.. your usual dorky girl is not that usual anymore. She's frikkin somebody now, and I am totally, totally proud of her. Period.)
--
On a slightly unrelated note, I am loving the third EP installment of the biggest sweetheart I've met in history - William Beckett; loving the fact that he's keeping the friendships with the rest of the band members, and that The Butcher is in this one.

--

Work is OK. I guess I have to learn to love it.

//98

There's this person who looks like ryan ross and has the bestest smile I've seen in a while and the friendliest face I just want to keep talking to but I'm nervous and shy and shit and this person always sounded a bit of a dork to me but I like it that way, i mean I might actually like this person for real and it scares me because I have a really bad social awkwardness and sighs, people like this person would never talk to me though but this person actually did and it feels nice.

//97

--
Hari ini, minggu ini mungkin: Akulah manusia yang terpaling cuak di muka bumi.

//95

--
That's not the point, the picture I mean. I'm not going to talk about how "fall apart" I was but this. I most probably will end my status as an unemployed graduate status soon, which is great. I mean, i've searched high and low for this and I got it anddd y'know I'm supposed to be looking forward to it right? I am. I was. I think?

People painted this career life or path being an adult like it is such a bad news that you could not get out off, I mean that's effing scary sia. I know it's normal to feel all the jitters and being all nervous and shit but ohmygod have you check the time this entry is posted? 10 freaking AM. I don't do 10 AM no sir, 10 AM for me is a William-Beckett-o'clock in my town and everywhere else in WB fandom. Yes, I got sucked into the fandom/bandom yet again but that's not the point.

Oh God, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say to you. I guess, I'm afraid that I'd be that boring old adult in the corner and sulk at how life is, y'know? I mean I REFUSE to be boring. I REFUSE to stop whatever this is. But on the other hand, maybe this is what it is? It is meant to be. I am meant to end up boring and wrinkly and responsibilities are my best friend. sagfdhasfdga THIS JUST GOT REAL MAN.

Excuse me for exuding a sense of wimpiness but I am scared shitless. I have to start doing my SAP reading up again and ohmygod sdfghjkl. Yeah wait, I can't use that kind of language with you because you don't understand fangirl talk. So-ory.

But then again I've been unemployed for months! I'm SO spent on doing precisely nothing and being unproductive, I wanna try something else. But this "something else" is permanent. You know how effing scary that sound? You're gonna "try" something that will go on, for at least 30 years. 30 frikkin years man. And at the end, at the end of 30 years I'd be this boring makcik who'd make nasi lemak for living (I dont know. Maybe? But I wanna have my own restaurant by then i DONT KNOW), oh gosh now these thoughts are making my tummy upset.

That's my update on life. On the other note, I'm so gonna miss everyone. I'm not exaggerating one bit.

//90

It has just occurred to me that I haven't been updating my blog! That is SO not me but life has been well, life and every day has its own surprises and I don't feel like telling stuff because of reasons.

I mean i wanted to be deep and shit but I just couldn't care less. Is this a sign of growing up? *Cue Blink 182's song*

Or maybe I'm just lazy. Hah lesgo widdad.

I have to complete this 100-blogposts series though, so I can finally ~look back and be all ~~self-evaluate/soul searchy~~ on stuff. So yeah, this will do for now.

5 days away to Raya are you kidding me?! (My Ramadhan has been so awesome this year. Hope it lasts till the end because I love how things turn out :))

Selamat Hari Raya in advance!

//88: 3am thoughts and whatnots

--
"We used to look at the stars and confessed our dreams"
 --
I know I haven't been writing in awhile. I don't know man, I don't know what to talk about. SO much things happen lately, like so freaking much I can't handle it. I really can't. I kinda miss being so very optimistic on stuff and now all I do all day is waiting for a phone call that would change my life.

Aaaah depressed nya bunyi! But really though.
Life has been different, Tak tahu nak suka atau tak. More towards indifferent kot. Entah. Entah. Itu je aku boleh cakap hohohihu.

Sebenarnya macam macam aku nak buat cuma tak jumpa drive tu je lagi, omg alasan je kan kau D? selalu nak alasan jeee eeee. (Eh tak, mana ada alasan betul apa. *k abaikan monologue ini*).

I miss having my late night driving sesh. I miss shiny lights, the noisy mapleys and stable internet connection. I am, officially a gadis kampung now (In a way lah. Tsk)

Honestly though, I cannot wait to move out. Bila? I'm not sure. Tapi by the end of this year I NEED to move out. I can't this place. It's not me. Or maybe sebab aku memang tak boleh berada dalam close proximity with certain people and the lack of social interactions. Betul dowh, hari hari aku mengadap muka adik aku je. Kalau nak hang out dengan kawan kawan, siapa lagi lah yang seremaja aku ni? (Unless budak jungle, but diorang sibuk nak exams and final year projects and living life). And have I told you I live at least 50 minutes away from the city? This city girl cries.

--
Aku rasa sangat bersyukurlah sekarang ni dah bulan puasa. At least malam malam jumpa la jugak orang lain ye dak? Huhu.

Bye.

//49

Isn't it weird that I'm starting to feel like I'm the weirdest out of the bunch. The whole point of starting (this) over was to find, my inner self la kononnya. But I feel like I'm getting weirder to understand, and to keep track of things that I feel, sense, see. Whatever.
--
School has been fun, if not hectic. Thursday will always be the most hectic day out of the week but I enjoyed every moment of it nonetheless. I was late for my 3 PM class because I had impromptu meeting earlier on, and being me, I mean - the old me, I'd become so anal about it - it might just ruin my day, but to my surprise, I love catching up with myself. (and somewhat being fashionably late hihu).
--
Have you ever met someone that you find interesting and at the end of the day you find yourself googling about this person just to know more - or to make sure of things, not in a stalker kind of way (uhm which I know this statement contradicts the former, again, whatevs)?
--
Abah wants me home. But I don't want to go baaaaaaaaaack. :/

//41

-- Daily? Pfft.
--
Today's my second day of school, (which also marks my first day of class for the last semester, writing that out just made me shat my pants), yesterday was tres awesome because of reasons. Heeheehee. I get that butterflies in your stomach feelings almost twice and they were awesome to say the least.

Nothing much to update, other than this - I'm effing nervous for this semester and I really hope I won't messed it up.
--
Good things, just stay. Or be better, your pick.

A tribute to Po, and everything else in between.

Cheesy alert! (But then again, who reads this blog?)
--
Few months back, I met a cat. An extraordinary one. Err, aku ni penakut kucing, sikit sikit. But, it's different with Po. Dulu aku selalu question how can people actually get attached to cats and treat them as family, now i know why. And she's like a sister I never had. Tak make sense kan kalau nak cakap she understands me? But she does. Really, I'm amazed. Ada this one night, I was telling her that I'll be leaving her soon and that I love her, lepastu tu aku tidur. All the while she licked my hand whenever I said I love her, and that I'm scared of what will come next. (And she's never a licker, always a biter) How can that not be sweet? Sighs.

Cats. Nanti, kalau dah ada rumah sendiri, I'll have one. I and S mesti suka :D
--
So here I am, back in the Jungle, tempat paling panas dalam Malaysia. Ten months ago, all I can ever think about was to plan out dates with the (now ex) boyfriend, to sort out my transportation problems to and fro the office, and to have fun all the way, as much as I can. Little did I know, things changed drastically. I'm no longer living with the parents, we talked once a month, if not never. Met I and S not on a daily basis (which pains me because I am dependent on them whether I like it or not), - THIS, is a big deal because, unlike some of yous my age, I still care about being under one roof with my flesh and blood, I guess I'm a family person - and well - being single, thats not a shocker, living with family which I'm not that close to but I have to because I got nowhere to go and not enough moolah to rent on my own AND live with their antics. But the toughest part was (still is), living with my emotional breakdowns every once in a while.

Phew.

BUT. Somehow, I manage to keep myself happy. Maybe all of that is a blessing in disguise. I learn how to give and take, I learn how to appreciate things and people around me, and as cliche as this may sound, I learn how to love myself - baby steps baby steps! Banyk benda yang dulu aku ingat, this is it, this is how my life gonna be, not great but not so bad either... but then BAM! it's like Allah's sending me signs.. like He was telling me "Nope D, there's A LOT more to this, and you can be so much better, wake up!"

Alhamdulillah, I can never thank You enough. Never, not in my lifetime.
It's nice, falling in love with your Creator. All the things that anchoring me down are no longer there, and I feel much much lighter. I feel like,my life has been rebooted and all I have is a piece of a blank canvas and I can paint it whichever way I want it to be.

SubhanAllah. Tuhan je tahu apa aku rasa sekarang.
--
I hope my final year would be as I wanted it to be. InshaAllah.

Oh my god harini aku makan cappuccino cheesecake, leftover birthday Aunty dua hari lepas. Whut. There goes my so called diet. Tak sedap mana pun tapi I feel like having some dessert and out of all things I choose that? /facepalm.

Esok pegi Putrajaya to pay Abah a visit (and finally, maybe, a decent tarawih outing with him - minus the bros :( which I guess no mapley session afterwards oh well). I hope I survive the stepmom's wrath (semi-exaggeration. havent been in a close proximity with her in yonks, I'm quite nervous to say the least).

So yeah, I dont even know why I'm updating this blog at 1:18 in the morning. Nah gambar kucing aku, dia penat sebab banyak sangat pose last last pose macam ni lepastu sambung tidoq. Selamba.

Fact #1452461: Believe it or not, Po can stop whatever she's doing and listen to me when I pickup the uke. Sumpah makhluk Tuhan paling comel. Kalau aku sedih, she'll be beside me main main dengan jari aku sampai aku Ok. So much love.

Confrontation.

Ohmygod, that was super scary? I mean in my house yes we argue blahblahblah but thats that. We don't question each other existence (I mean, S is pro at that but not me - I'm kinda a good sister? Heh heh heh that aside).

Scary scary scary. Two more months to go, September you don't know how much you are needed now. I wish time can just leap to the next 2 months. Tak raya pun tak apa. Nak September! To be frank, I don't know what will happen in September, but it's my month okay? I think I'll manage.

Demmit you guise, just be grateful you guys have each other. I'm battling everyday being away from I and S. And that's super hard for me, I don't see why you guys push each other away. You can be so much happier demmit. :/
--
On the lighter note, I love Z. Love love love love. You have the most amazing ways to tell even the very mundane day-to-day story. I'm too much of a chicken to leave you comment sans anonymous pseudo, but it will do for now. So much admiration towards you I cannot contain! Amazing people are amazing. Z, stay being you OK? :-D
--
Friday, bro turns 20. Gosh, you know how old that made me feel? VERY old. We chilled, talked about stuff. I wish S was there though. Hmm, hope Kuantan treats him well!

I cannot wait for that ice cream sesh next week! (Hello! If you read this heheh <3)

Sick.

I havent been feeling this feverish in eons, and I don't like it one bit! :( I have some issues being home alone, I can't be left alone or I'd feel depressed. Even I'm sickly, I still have the appetite to eat, thats the weirdest thing about me I guess, who bothers to eat when they sick? I do!

So I decided to cook. Simple stuff, but I think it is delicious e he he he tak malu puji diri sendiri.

Lunch orang sakit,

ditemani OJ favourite.

I hate calling in sick today because I know I will miss A LOT :( Have to catch up on readings before tomorrow starts. Toodles!

//

Aku and my guy macam ada satu agreement ni tau. Entahlah kalau aku sorang je yang perasan, tapi it has been like that for so many years, even masa mula-mula close dulu. We have this No show policy kot, ahah lawak pulak. We don't parade our feelings that much, kalau ada pun, jaraaaaang sangat, sekarang lagi kronik siap ada orang tanya aku dengan dia dah takde apa-apa ke. Hm, growing up process agaknya?

Tapi thing is, aku suka macam ni. Macam kita dua je tau orang lain tak payah nak sibuk sibuk jaga tepi kain, Kalau gaduh pun takde orang tau hu hu (okay melainkan roomate, sila baca senyap senyap and takyah ulang ayat ni bila kami gaduh ok? Tengs!). Dan sekarang ni musim dia cari aku agaknya, mwehehe, I like this (Y). Sebab seronok bila pagi pagi ada message, or tengah hari ada random jokes in my inbox and bila nak tidur dapat at least a good night call. Kan seronok macam ni? Happy je. Stay gedik macam ni boleh tak? (Ok, I know its impossible. =.=")

--
Anyways, lagi 4 hari aku kat sini, aku tak nak balik, aku macam tak sanggup nak buat final exam... semester ni susah gila. T T, entahlah, harap tak fail, itu aje. Pointer turun sikit tak pe kot. Macam dah tak sabar nak intern and habis kan final year lepastu kerja. Friends my age semua dah kerja ok! Haih, gila loser buat degree je pun dah belajar lama-lama. I know belajar tak kira usia kan, tapi entahlah macam kena pressure tengok environment kawan-kawan semua atleast kalau tengah belajar pun buat masters kot, tak main ah degree ni. Sobs. Tu la, sapa suruh main main time SPM, padan muka sendiri.

Hm, boleh tak sekarang ni aku rasa cam dah jauh gila dengan bff, distant sangat sangat. Macam aku dah tak tau updates apa-apa, hu hu, what to do.. I guess aku taklah seimportant yang aku sangka kot. Tsk. So sekarang aku takde closest friend kalau nak diikutkan. Stress sikit sebab kalau ada benda best jadi dapat share dengan the boys and the guy. Gila bosan. Point of views lelaki ni... I mean kalau nak di-apply on things that orang/perempuan macam aku suka jadi cam rigid. Tak best doh feedback, sekali sekala ye la. I mean, I need gff, gedik, bimbo moments jugak to live.
--
Dinner tadi kitorang buat grilled cheese, and all the while dalam kepala otak ada grilled cheesus. Lol.

F5: Defrag: Tuning.

Cakap pasal tuning, aku rasa dah lupa macam mana nak buat database tuning, omg. This shouldn't happen really. Anyways, sorry aku dah jarang update panjang panjang sebab nak kejar final dah ni. Rabu ada submission, progress baru 20%, die ok, die.

Dulu masa dip aku rasa nak cari internship placement adalah benda yang paling menyusahkan, nak kena call, buat follow up, hantar resume apa bagai tu belum masuk part kena reject kaw kaw sebab orang tak tahu nama kolej aku. Nasib baik aku dapat buat kat satu mnc ni, nasib memang baik. Tempat tu pun aku tak apply, nasib memang baik.

Tapi kat sini, ya Allah, aku rasa tak payah susah susah call ke rajin-rajin nak apply ke sebab confirm akan dapat. Boleh buat pilihan lagi, ikut je hati nak yang mana (though hati tengah pening sebab semua suka wthell weh, manusia memang tak bersyukur kan? Aku, especially)

--

Minggu ni dan minggu depan will look like this:

• 27/10 : IPM submission
• 28/10: CF submission
• 02/11: ADS, CF, BISTAT tests back-to-back, doakan aku dapat hidup the next day.

(aku tak tahu nak study mana satu dulu seriously)

• 03/11: Presentation IPM, SBE test
• 04/11: SBE submission

Saja letak so bila aku mengada nak update, takde la terlagha nak buat benda lain. Study weh D, study!

--

Hari Jumaat lepas memang hari yang terbaik. Lepas dapat markah corot, malam tu aku all out. Tak menang pun, but I had fun. First performance ever. Aku dulu selalu berangan nak perform but I don't have the guts, so after yeaaaars, akhirnya. Aku suka. Malam habiskan onion ring sambil borak benda yang tak masuk akal dengan adik-adik (yang macam seumur aku), memang lepas tension habis. Alhamdulillah.

--

Bila benda tak ada depan mata baru nak sayang. Baru nak cari balik. Baru nak simpan elok elok. Esok lusa benda tu datang balik, aku confirm aku tak rasa apa, kau hilang pun aku tak kisah. (Ok, not really, jangan hilang please? Main hide and seek tak apa, ok sayang? :) )

Obviously

Tadi, bumped into few of familiar faces, they said I seems happy. Lol. Sebenarnya aku dok fikir nak tegur (perli ehe) this guy friend of mine and I think it shows kot sebab aku macam tergelak sorang-sorang before I could really tease him. Diorang siap suruh explain siapa yang buat aku happy (nampak sangat muka aku memang gloomy gila kalau tengah jalan, e he he), and macam takkan aku nak share inside jokes I just had with myself kan? So aku biarkan aje.

Seriously-lah, I think I have too many inside jokes inside my head and I can burst laughing anytime and if at the same time ada manusia yang perasan sure ingat aku tak berapa nak betul. Thing is, tak semua faham, dan jokes takkan jadi jokes kalau kau kena explain kan? So I let it be.

Anyways, dua hari lepas ada lecturer baru ganti spot the former lecturer of my least favourite subject. Subjek ni mula-mula aku ambik pun sebab aku rasa macam interesting gila, tapi salah satu sebab aku menyampah was that lecturer lama tu macam take into account yang bukan semua budak dalam kelas tu came from the same background. Contohnya aku. Manalah aku nak tau remaizer tu apekebenda, and dia siap cakap "Oh, If you don't know I won't go further"... aku dah cari and aku tak faham. Bila aku tanya nanti dia tanya soalan in jargon yang memang alien gila.

Kira macam aku cakap language coding dengan orang belajar chemical. Tak masuk kan? Ha macam tu ah. Aku lost gila ah before cuti mid sem ni. Lepastu bila dah take over aku suka sangat sebab lecturer yang baru ni selalu go back and forth on financial jargons, so banyak yang aku tahu and banyak yang aku rasa aku boleh tanya untuk fahamkan. Baru dua hari, but I kinda like this lecturer. Nampak effort dia nak ajar. So aku sangat bersyukur lah. (kot. for the time being) Tak kisah lah banyak kerja pun, janji aku faham.

Oh oh! Investment portfolio aku naik sikit. Happpppyyyy sangat ni. Even aku kat rank #10000++ E he he, budak baru belajar okay lah kan nampak naik sikit. Hee.

Anyways, tiba-tiba semalam tergerak hati nak tulis using my left hand sebab ada budak yang aku macam suka tengok ada sikit accident yang sebabkan dia tak boleh nak menulis using dia punya tangan kanan (she's a righty, obviously), so macam aku terfikir ah kan, kalau aku kena macam dia, how am I supposed to learn to write using left hand promptly? Malang tak berbau kan. Aku rasa orang lefty attractive and very artsy, aku rasa lah. Sebab most of lefties I know semua macam confidence dia tinggi lain macam sikit and macam charming sikit lah so that what makes them attractive (loverboy included ahem.) to me.

So yeah, obviously tulisan aku cam cibs. E he he. Kalau tengok tulisan aku yang betul betul pun tak semua orang faham sebab aku suka short-hand notes. Semua macam cacing. Honestly, bila dah bergelumang dengan coding for four years aku rasa macam pen dan pensel tu semua tak relevan untuk wujud. Tak ada guna. Nak menulis pun kekok. Buruk gila ah tulisan aku, orang-orang tertentu je faham (example: ex-lecturers), kadang-kadang aku sendiri tak faham e he he.

Oh yeah, semalam (or ke today? aku confused lah EST timeline ni. hm) was/is Glee Day. Excited okay! Glee kids nyanyi Billionaire (like hello! Bruno Mars! (<3) and Travie) Hee. Tak sabar, cepat leak pleaseeee!

Oh, dan, Hello! (harini post tak emo kan kan kan? Sebab dah penat :) )