I tried SO hard to be OK.
But for now, I can't. I think I died inside. I haven't truly smile in a while. Sighs. I miss me.
May 3, 2013
May 1, 2013
April 7, 2013
Pemalas.
Ye, aku, memang.
Memang, memang, memang.
Susahnya jadi orang besar (dewasa?). Nak jadi enam tahun balik boleh tak please? Pleaaaaaaaaaase?
:( Hmpghfsgdagfdjgf.
Memang, memang, memang.
Susahnya jadi orang besar (dewasa?). Nak jadi enam tahun balik boleh tak please? Pleaaaaaaaaaase?
:( Hmpghfsgdagfdjgf.
April 1, 2013
Bulan ke-3.
Aku pernah cakap benda ni dulu, 2013 is the year to prove something to myself. Even that something is admitting that I could not do this and move on to something that fits my pace.
And this time around, frikkin stay my ass on.
I can do this. For my little yellow house, for my brother, for me. :) iA.
March 17, 2013
Peh, kau ni.
This has been bugging me for the longest of time.
Why do people look the way they do?
Why does lookin' good matter most?
How superficial can you guys get seriously. I mean, don't you feel its tiring trying to impress people all the frikkin time? "Look good because people will like you" fucked up logic weh.
I'm not a "better" version of myself unless people "notice" me.
I'm not "improving" unless i "look pretty".
What about being less cranky, mad at the world person?
What about being more responsible about my action towards others?
What about taking a huge step taking a huge responsibility and get rid of my self-doubt so I won't be dependent on people that much?
What about building on what makes me feel good, makes me feel happy and makes me feel like i'm interesting enough to talk to?
All that boils down to it is how pretty I should look so that you'd give me a chance?
Is it actually OK to be godknowshowblonde but forgivable because you are pretty/hot?
Shallownya kau ni.
I just want to be your friend goddamnit.
You don't even know me, yet.
Don't flatter yourself too much.
Why do people look the way they do?
Why does lookin' good matter most?
How superficial can you guys get seriously. I mean, don't you feel its tiring trying to impress people all the frikkin time? "Look good because people will like you" fucked up logic weh.
I'm not a "better" version of myself unless people "notice" me.
I'm not "improving" unless i "look pretty".
What about being less cranky, mad at the world person?
What about being more responsible about my action towards others?
What about taking a huge step taking a huge responsibility and get rid of my self-doubt so I won't be dependent on people that much?
What about building on what makes me feel good, makes me feel happy and makes me feel like i'm interesting enough to talk to?
All that boils down to it is how pretty I should look so that you'd give me a chance?
Is it actually OK to be godknowshowblonde but forgivable because you are pretty/hot?
Shallownya kau ni.
I just want to be your friend goddamnit.
You don't even know me, yet.
Don't flatter yourself too much.
March 8, 2013
Surat
Kehadapan diri sendiri,
Ini kerja paling gila kau pernah buat.
What have you got yourself into?!
Bangun mandi terus pergi kerja, balik pkul 12 tgh malam.
Kau gila kau tau tak.
Gila, gila, gila.
Kehadapan future Dalila,
I hope this is WORTH IT.
Buat masa sekarang, simpan je la niat nak bersosial, ada life, ada family. Sila simpan elok elok.
Yang gila,
Diri sendiri.
Ini kerja paling gila kau pernah buat.
What have you got yourself into?!
Bangun mandi terus pergi kerja, balik pkul 12 tgh malam.
Kau gila kau tau tak.
Gila, gila, gila.
Kehadapan future Dalila,
I hope this is WORTH IT.
Buat masa sekarang, simpan je la niat nak bersosial, ada life, ada family. Sila simpan elok elok.
Yang gila,
Diri sendiri.
March 5, 2013
A year ago.
I was busy completing my fyp.
I was accustomed to gulping down energy drinks like nobody's beeswax.
I was busy updating my resume.
I was busy fantasizing how awesome (and scary) the working/adulthood would be like.
I was busy crushing on Mr. Otter.
I was busy planning out gatherings for my final few months.
I was busy looking for the meaning of life.
I was busy changing.
I was enjoying the new me.
--
That was all a year ago, today.
But, today,
I was busy scratching my head, doubting my heart, calming myself down.
11 months left. You can do this.
I was accustomed to gulping down energy drinks like nobody's beeswax.
I was busy updating my resume.
I was busy fantasizing how awesome (and scary) the working/adulthood would be like.
I was busy crushing on Mr. Otter.
I was busy planning out gatherings for my final few months.
I was busy looking for the meaning of life.
I was busy changing.
I was enjoying the new me.
--
That was all a year ago, today.
But, today,
I was busy scratching my head, doubting my heart, calming myself down.
11 months left. You can do this.
February 23, 2013
I feel like I've been here for 3 months.
A: Waitlah
K: what is that?
A: It's basically wait and lah. The longer the lah, the longer you have to wait.
K: If I want to wait for a minute only?
A: Then it's just "Wait", or else it'll become wait lah, or wait laaaah. Depends.
K: *Paused, serious mode* S, why I have never heard you use Lah to me?
S: *Confused* Because I just don't.
--
W: *Serious focus poker face facing the laptop* *Confused* GUUUUYS, what is AKAK?
Everyone: What?
W: A.k.a.k.
Everyone: *Laughs* It's a tearm of "endearment".
W: Oooh I see. I'm gonna use it from now on!
--
E-mail 3 petang titled: I am in LOVE with a guy sitting next to me <3 p="">E-mail 3.15 replied: I thought it was R? Ooh that's very sweet although not-so-secret anymore.
Guess who yang reply? Big big boss.
*Geleng kepala*
--
They work like mad people, but crazy bunch of people, too. So work's getting funner than I thought it would initially be. Heheh. Enjoying this!
K: what is that?
A: It's basically wait and lah. The longer the lah, the longer you have to wait.
K: If I want to wait for a minute only?
A: Then it's just "Wait", or else it'll become wait lah, or wait laaaah. Depends.
K: *Paused, serious mode* S, why I have never heard you use Lah to me?
S: *Confused* Because I just don't.
--
W: *Serious focus poker face facing the laptop* *Confused* GUUUUYS, what is AKAK?
Everyone: What?
W: A.k.a.k.
Everyone: *Laughs* It's a tearm of "endearment".
W: Oooh I see. I'm gonna use it from now on!
--
E-mail 3 petang titled: I am in LOVE with a guy sitting next to me <3 p="">E-mail 3.15 replied: I thought it was R? Ooh that's very sweet although not-so-secret anymore.
Guess who yang reply? Big big boss.
*Geleng kepala*
--
They work like mad people, but crazy bunch of people, too. So work's getting funner than I thought it would initially be. Heheh. Enjoying this!
February 20, 2013
Take me to the ocean
To me,
You are the ocean,
Vast, deep and blue,
Fully rooted with sorrows,
But calmly beautiful.
To me,
You are the skies,
Holding the stars without a single pillar,
Befriend the sun without fail,
When the moon rises,
You're like a cosy blanket,
For everyone that looks up.
To me,
You are the greens,
That Allah created to beautify the scene.
--
Pantai Dalam,
Kuala Lumpur
11:12PM
You are the ocean,
Vast, deep and blue,
Fully rooted with sorrows,
But calmly beautiful.
To me,
You are the skies,
Holding the stars without a single pillar,
Befriend the sun without fail,
When the moon rises,
You're like a cosy blanket,
For everyone that looks up.
To me,
You are the greens,
That Allah created to beautify the scene.
--
Pantai Dalam,
Kuala Lumpur
11:12PM
February 17, 2013
Untuk jadi seorang Dalila, peratusan anxious dan worry harus tinggi, paling minima pun dalam 99.9%.
Untuk jadi seorang Dalila, skill overanalyze perlu ditahap advance. Untuk masalah sekecil lubang jarum pun, harus dirisaukan. Mesti.
Entah kenapalah aku ni. Manusia memang tak reti bersyukur kan? Terutama aku. Aku.
Aku takut gila sebenarnya.
Banyak gila what ifs dalam kepala, naik serabut.
Macam, sekarang ni, entahlah. Bila aku fikir pasal semua benda, aku jadi down.
:(
Tak best lah macam ni.
--
Tapi kan, kalau I'm not meant for this, kenapa aku dapat?
Kan?
Kan?
--
Sebab Allah nak uji. Sebab Allah cakap, this is it babygirl, you can do this, it's gonna be tough but I know you can because I KNOW.
Kan?
Susah sangat nak keep being optimistic ni. Syaitan banyak sangat agaknya.
I need me some usrah group or something like that. Dah empty sangat.
February 10, 2013
Hati
You have got to stop this mindless games.
It's not your time yet, kot?
Entahlah. Cukup cukup please? Penat lah nak sambung tampal tampal hati yang dah koyak banyak kali ni. Penat. :(
It's not your time yet, kot?
Entahlah. Cukup cukup please? Penat lah nak sambung tampal tampal hati yang dah koyak banyak kali ni. Penat. :(
January 30, 2013
Funny little world.
Funny how life took a turn.
Alhamdulillah for that.
I'm in for a new adventure with life and to be honest, I am scared. I cannot believe I actually seek my way out and I'm not really sure if this is *it* but I got to get through it so that I know, yes?
I mean why the heck am I being /selected/ if I am not fit for it. Kan?
--
Been having a lot of me time and a lot of things to ponder upon. Gosh, 2013 is really the year to be independent and shit. I foresee a lot more breakdowns from me but hey that's normal, when you are down the only way is up *Sila simpan optimistik ini Dalila, jangan buat buat lupa*
--
I am not implying that 2012 is shitty, after all I did wish the year would make me, me. I guess I gotta learn my flaws and what nots so I can bear with all the happiness coming my way this year, cewah!
Hahaha and look at me, a month too late to even write a proper pre-new year post but oh well.
I haven't been good with words lately. I cannot focus more than 5 minutes which is not good, but not bad either because it means I can multitask.
--
I got SO many things to do, SO many things to be thankful of, and 2013 sjdbhsjagfdgahfsdas I'm gonna be an adult for reals.
So, just, be nice, and let me be...happy (or less depressing, that'd be nice too)
Alhamdulillah for that.
I'm in for a new adventure with life and to be honest, I am scared. I cannot believe I actually seek my way out and I'm not really sure if this is *it* but I got to get through it so that I know, yes?
I mean why the heck am I being /selected/ if I am not fit for it. Kan?
--
Been having a lot of me time and a lot of things to ponder upon. Gosh, 2013 is really the year to be independent and shit. I foresee a lot more breakdowns from me but hey that's normal, when you are down the only way is up *Sila simpan optimistik ini Dalila, jangan buat buat lupa*
--
I am not implying that 2012 is shitty, after all I did wish the year would make me, me. I guess I gotta learn my flaws and what nots so I can bear with all the happiness coming my way this year, cewah!
Hahaha and look at me, a month too late to even write a proper pre-new year post but oh well.
I haven't been good with words lately. I cannot focus more than 5 minutes which is not good, but not bad either because it means I can multitask.
--
I got SO many things to do, SO many things to be thankful of, and 2013 sjdbhsjagfdgahfsdas I'm gonna be an adult for reals.
So, just, be nice, and let me be...happy (or less depressing, that'd be nice too)
December 19, 2012
.
I don't know exactly how I come across to you guys (or do I even have a reader anymore? Idk)
But, I think I'm going downward spiral to my depression phase again.
I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate what I've become.
I hate that I cannot control it.
I hate how affected I am by the smallest thing.
I hate the fact that I sometime wish to be hit by a moving vehicle and resulting to a serious injury or maybe death which means that would be my sole reason to just quit everything.
I hate the fact that adulthood makes me bitter.
Or maybe it made me to try less hard than usual.
And the fact that it actually make me feel sad.
And that I cannot cry.
And that I cannot share whatever I'm feeling/having/whatever to whoever I want because I'd sound totally helpless/hopeless and no one would understand either way.
I tried to talk it out, and the more I hear myself talk the more I hate whatever coming out of my mouth and the more I think people don't actually care. If they actually say that they do, it would be like.. 20% most of the time because I could not for the life of me explains whats been bothering me.
I hate that I get pissed off at almost everything. I almost, ALMOST lost my temper in the train just now. I just can't.
HOW DO YOU GUYS SURVIVE? HOW DO YOU LIVE? TELL ME HOW BECAUSE ALL I WANNA DO NOW IS QUIT.
I seriously don't feel like living anymore.
But, I think I'm going downward spiral to my depression phase again.
I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate what I've become.
I hate that I cannot control it.
I hate how affected I am by the smallest thing.
I hate the fact that I sometime wish to be hit by a moving vehicle and resulting to a serious injury or maybe death which means that would be my sole reason to just quit everything.
I hate the fact that adulthood makes me bitter.
Or maybe it made me to try less hard than usual.
And the fact that it actually make me feel sad.
And that I cannot cry.
And that I cannot share whatever I'm feeling/having/whatever to whoever I want because I'd sound totally helpless/hopeless and no one would understand either way.
I tried to talk it out, and the more I hear myself talk the more I hate whatever coming out of my mouth and the more I think people don't actually care. If they actually say that they do, it would be like.. 20% most of the time because I could not for the life of me explains whats been bothering me.
I hate that I get pissed off at almost everything. I almost, ALMOST lost my temper in the train just now. I just can't.
HOW DO YOU GUYS SURVIVE? HOW DO YOU LIVE? TELL ME HOW BECAUSE ALL I WANNA DO NOW IS QUIT.
I seriously don't feel like living anymore.
December 11, 2012
UGH
I can't for the life of me get it WHY would you always make me feel like I'm the crappiest person on earth?
Whatever I do is not fucking enough for you. What the hell do you even want from me?
Do you have any idea how miserable you used to make me and how bad I was crawling out of it?
You cannot do that again, Nu-uh. Not to this new Dalila.
All I can be is bitter towards you. You killed me.
And I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted me to be: Instant millionaire who throws money at you so you could send me some "prayer" so that I'd be "happy" in life.
FYI, I'm in this alone. I am always alone.
So spare me your stupid nonsensical speech, OK?
And you have never, ever, ever, ever made me happy.
Whatever I do is not fucking enough for you. What the hell do you even want from me?
Do you have any idea how miserable you used to make me and how bad I was crawling out of it?
You cannot do that again, Nu-uh. Not to this new Dalila.
All I can be is bitter towards you. You killed me.
And I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted me to be: Instant millionaire who throws money at you so you could send me some "prayer" so that I'd be "happy" in life.
FYI, I'm in this alone. I am always alone.
So spare me your stupid nonsensical speech, OK?
And you have never, ever, ever, ever made me happy.
December 2, 2012
Positive Thoughts #1.
I am a music nerd.
I like to be in control. I am in control.
I am a dreamer. I dream big.
I am in for something big, inshaAllah.
I like to be in control. I am in control.
I am a dreamer. I dream big.
I am in for something big, inshaAllah.
November 28, 2012
What has the world come into?
“They are turning the holy sanctuary into a machine, a city which has no identity, no heritage, no culture and no natural environment. They've even taken away the mountains.”
*The house of the Prophet’s wife, Khadija, who is referred to by Muslims as the “Mother of the Faithful” was recently torn down, and in its place a row of toilets were established.
More:
http://www.religionnews.com/blogs/omid-safi/saudis-say-no-to-the-prophet-muhammad-yes-to-paris-hilton
--
This saddens me deeply. I could not express how sad and angry I am by reading this, and that I have not yet entered Mecca and this happen and I'm just....overwhelmed by SO many feelings.
Why is the action to move forward as a city is seen as the only right thing and the most civilized thing to do?
Why can't we just preserve what makes it beautiful in the first place and respect for what its worth?
--
Ya Allah. :(
*The house of the Prophet’s wife, Khadija, who is referred to by Muslims as the “Mother of the Faithful” was recently torn down, and in its place a row of toilets were established.
More:
http://www.religionnews.com/blogs/omid-safi/saudis-say-no-to-the-prophet-muhammad-yes-to-paris-hilton
--
This saddens me deeply. I could not express how sad and angry I am by reading this, and that I have not yet entered Mecca and this happen and I'm just....overwhelmed by SO many feelings.
Why is the action to move forward as a city is seen as the only right thing and the most civilized thing to do?
Why can't we just preserve what makes it beautiful in the first place and respect for what its worth?
--
Ya Allah. :(
November 15, 2012
Revelation #1
Here goes my Maal Hijrah's so-called revelation sparks and whatnots.
Happiest new year to all my muslim friends, may Allah guide and grant us Jannah, inshaAllah.
--
Kalau ditimbang kira, dah masuk dua bulan aku kerja. Dua bulan. I still feel like I've been there less than a month, still learning; lari sana lari sini, buat salah sana sini, berjutajuta silent scream yang terpaksa aku tahan, pendam, simpan untuk bekalan yang entah bila akan aku lepaskan semua.
Aku tak tahu for real, is this it? I mean, ye aku tahu, peluang kerja bukan datang bergolek. Aku patut rasa bersyukur yang teramat sangat sebab sekarang, I am in control, albeit partially, I finally have a say on what I want to do with my life and I can finally give a big fat No, mean it and be firm with it.
The fact that my officemates keep bring up the "don't-hop-jobs" card on me is making me think: Am I really THAT obvious with hating my current job? Do I really exert that negative vibe to everyone and made them think that I actually planning to leave? Because there is only two person in the whole company knows about this. And they're not the kind that tell people stuff. So, it really confuses me.
--
Aku rasa aku ketagihkan produktiviti. Ketagih nak jadi busy sentiasa. I think we all are, in a way, maybe you just didn't realize it, yet. I mean, when I'm productive, I'd feel less useless. I'd feel like I'm contributing and that is all I seek in whatever I do. To contribute, to make people feel happy, at ease, and in return I'd get the satisfaction that I'm out there, doing something even it's the smallest thing.
--
And given the fact that it's the new year, and I'm turning a new leaf, I think that people in relationship is rich. In terms of emotions I guess? Because being in relationship (whatever kind) requires a lot of feelings to have, to feel, to give. Which is something I'm stingy on. I guess I don't have that luxury for now - to have feelings. Why?
Because something really bad happen a few days ago, it has always been bad though but this is the worst yet. I was so mad, so angry at everything - myself included. I wanted to cry, but I told myself not to. And I realized, I haven't cried in a while, not at this kind of thing anyway - it used to make me feel like my life is a living hell - which to be honest, it still does, but I'm so void emotionally to even entertain this thing anymore. So i just sat there, ranted about it the next day and it still bugs me that I haven't react entirely to it yet - though it deserve my screams, crying and all that.
I don't know. I don't know what is, anymore.
I guess the new year requires me to be a little bit more tougher and stronger.
--
There, my soul-searchy post after the whole 101 posts shenanigans.
Happiest new year to all my muslim friends, may Allah guide and grant us Jannah, inshaAllah.
--
Kalau ditimbang kira, dah masuk dua bulan aku kerja. Dua bulan. I still feel like I've been there less than a month, still learning; lari sana lari sini, buat salah sana sini, berjutajuta silent scream yang terpaksa aku tahan, pendam, simpan untuk bekalan yang entah bila akan aku lepaskan semua.
Aku tak tahu for real, is this it? I mean, ye aku tahu, peluang kerja bukan datang bergolek. Aku patut rasa bersyukur yang teramat sangat sebab sekarang, I am in control, albeit partially, I finally have a say on what I want to do with my life and I can finally give a big fat No, mean it and be firm with it.
The fact that my officemates keep bring up the "don't-hop-jobs" card on me is making me think: Am I really THAT obvious with hating my current job? Do I really exert that negative vibe to everyone and made them think that I actually planning to leave? Because there is only two person in the whole company knows about this. And they're not the kind that tell people stuff. So, it really confuses me.
--
Aku rasa aku ketagihkan produktiviti. Ketagih nak jadi busy sentiasa. I think we all are, in a way, maybe you just didn't realize it, yet. I mean, when I'm productive, I'd feel less useless. I'd feel like I'm contributing and that is all I seek in whatever I do. To contribute, to make people feel happy, at ease, and in return I'd get the satisfaction that I'm out there, doing something even it's the smallest thing.
--
And given the fact that it's the new year, and I'm turning a new leaf, I think that people in relationship is rich. In terms of emotions I guess? Because being in relationship (whatever kind) requires a lot of feelings to have, to feel, to give. Which is something I'm stingy on. I guess I don't have that luxury for now - to have feelings. Why?
Because something really bad happen a few days ago, it has always been bad though but this is the worst yet. I was so mad, so angry at everything - myself included. I wanted to cry, but I told myself not to. And I realized, I haven't cried in a while, not at this kind of thing anyway - it used to make me feel like my life is a living hell - which to be honest, it still does, but I'm so void emotionally to even entertain this thing anymore. So i just sat there, ranted about it the next day and it still bugs me that I haven't react entirely to it yet - though it deserve my screams, crying and all that.
I don't know. I don't know what is, anymore.
I guess the new year requires me to be a little bit more tougher and stronger.
--
There, my soul-searchy post after the whole 101 posts shenanigans.
November 10, 2012
Post-100 posts
Wow it just hit me that Yuna that I used to know is not what Yuna is now.
I mean, I used to be able randomly drop that girl a message and I'd get a reply,
heck I even get to chat with her occasionally dulu; catching up on stuff, talks about boys and stuff. (yes I can't even believe it myself.)
I don't even know if I even got the chance to talk to her end of this month.
Wow, everyone just change so much.
(I am NOT implying that she's totally a different person (she's still who she is, well at least that's what my last memory of her can recall), it's just that.. your usual dorky girl is not that usual anymore. She's frikkin somebody now, and I am totally, totally proud of her. Period.)
--
On a slightly unrelated note, I am loving the third EP installment of the biggest sweetheart I've met in history - William Beckett; loving the fact that he's keeping the friendships with the rest of the band members, and that The Butcher is in this one.
--
Work is OK. I guess I have to learn to love it.
I mean, I used to be able randomly drop that girl a message and I'd get a reply,
heck I even get to chat with her occasionally dulu; catching up on stuff, talks about boys and stuff. (yes I can't even believe it myself.)
I don't even know if I even got the chance to talk to her end of this month.
Wow, everyone just change so much.
(I am NOT implying that she's totally a different person (she's still who she is, well at least that's what my last memory of her can recall), it's just that.. your usual dorky girl is not that usual anymore. She's frikkin somebody now, and I am totally, totally proud of her. Period.)
--
On a slightly unrelated note, I am loving the third EP installment of the biggest sweetheart I've met in history - William Beckett; loving the fact that he's keeping the friendships with the rest of the band members, and that The Butcher is in this one.
--
Work is OK. I guess I have to learn to love it.
November 5, 2012
October 23, 2012
//99
Let's talk life.
--
Honestly, I do not like what I'm doing right now. I'm sick of the question "How's work?" Because hello, to tell you the truth I just want to scream 42352413672153261 millions things that are negative about it.
I don't know, I guess, I just can't place my usual 5 years timeline being at this place. Y'know? I am a very goal oriented person. As chill as I might play with life stuff right now, I do give a whole loads of fuckery into planning how my life should be.
Taking baby steps to get to what I want in life, with God's wills.
--
Speaking of which, I am my most lost state at this moment. Nothing seems to be in order and I'm an organized freak. This is driving me nuts! Not happy with work, not happy with friendships, not happy with my nonexistent lovelife and deffo. not happy with life.
Convo was on Sunday and someone just had to ruin the day for me. Thank you very much lah. It's as if, I 'm never that important to you, ever kan? 20 minutes just for a hug and a goodbye? What kind of a person are you really? Because I'm done figuring you out, SO done. 25 years and you are still a stranger to me.
--
I just have one wish right now: To be a good samaritan and have those negative people move far away from me, because I could not afford another low. Not this time. I like the new Dalila and I intend to keep myself that way.
--
Honestly, I do not like what I'm doing right now. I'm sick of the question "How's work?" Because hello, to tell you the truth I just want to scream 42352413672153261 millions things that are negative about it.
I don't know, I guess, I just can't place my usual 5 years timeline being at this place. Y'know? I am a very goal oriented person. As chill as I might play with life stuff right now, I do give a whole loads of fuckery into planning how my life should be.
Taking baby steps to get to what I want in life, with God's wills.
--
Speaking of which, I am my most lost state at this moment. Nothing seems to be in order and I'm an organized freak. This is driving me nuts! Not happy with work, not happy with friendships, not happy with my nonexistent lovelife and deffo. not happy with life.
Convo was on Sunday and someone just had to ruin the day for me. Thank you very much lah. It's as if, I 'm never that important to you, ever kan? 20 minutes just for a hug and a goodbye? What kind of a person are you really? Because I'm done figuring you out, SO done. 25 years and you are still a stranger to me.
--
I just have one wish right now: To be a good samaritan and have those negative people move far away from me, because I could not afford another low. Not this time. I like the new Dalila and I intend to keep myself that way.
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