Funny little world.

Funny how life took a turn.
Alhamdulillah for that.

I'm in for a new adventure with life and to be honest, I am scared. I cannot believe I actually seek my way out and I'm not really sure if this is *it* but I got to get through it so that I know, yes?

I mean why the heck am I being /selected/ if I am not fit for it. Kan?
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Been having a lot of me time and a lot of things to ponder upon. Gosh, 2013 is really the year to be independent and shit. I foresee  a lot more breakdowns from me but hey that's normal, when you are down the only way is up *Sila simpan optimistik ini Dalila, jangan buat buat lupa*
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I am not implying that 2012 is shitty, after all I did wish the year would make me, me. I guess I gotta learn my flaws and what nots so I can bear with all the happiness coming my way this year, cewah!
Hahaha and look at me, a month too late to even write a proper pre-new year post but oh well.

I haven't been good with words lately. I cannot focus more than 5 minutes which is not good, but not bad either because it means I can multitask.
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I got SO many things to do, SO many things to be thankful of, and 2013 sjdbhsjagfdgahfsdas I'm gonna be an adult for reals.

So, just, be nice, and let me be...happy (or less depressing, that'd be nice too)

.

I don't know exactly how I come across to you guys (or do I even have a reader anymore? Idk)

But, I think I'm going downward spiral to my depression phase again.
I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate what I've become.
I hate that I cannot control it.
I hate how affected I am by the smallest thing.
I hate the fact that I sometime wish to be hit by a moving vehicle and resulting to a serious injury or maybe death which means that would be my sole reason to just quit everything.

I hate the fact that adulthood makes me bitter.
Or maybe it made me to try less hard than usual.
And the fact that it actually make me feel sad.

And that I cannot cry.
And that I cannot share whatever I'm feeling/having/whatever to whoever I want because I'd sound totally helpless/hopeless and no one would understand either way.

I tried to talk it out, and the more I hear myself talk the more I hate whatever coming out of my mouth and the more I think people don't actually care. If they actually say that they do, it would be like.. 20% most of the time because I could not for the life of me explains whats been bothering me.


I hate that I get pissed off at almost everything. I almost, ALMOST lost my temper in the train just now. I just can't.

HOW DO YOU GUYS SURVIVE? HOW DO YOU LIVE? TELL ME HOW BECAUSE ALL I WANNA DO NOW IS QUIT.

I seriously don't feel like living anymore.

UGH

I can't for the life of me get it WHY would you always make me feel like I'm the crappiest person on earth?
Whatever I do is not fucking enough for you. What the hell do you even want from me?
Do you have any idea how miserable you used to make me and how bad I was crawling out of it?
You cannot do that again, Nu-uh. Not to this new Dalila.

All I can be is bitter towards you. You killed me.
And I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted me to be: Instant millionaire who throws money at you so you could send me some "prayer" so that I'd be "happy" in life.

FYI, I'm in this alone. I am always alone.
So spare me your stupid nonsensical speech, OK?

And you have never, ever, ever, ever made me happy.