Of marriage and breakup.

--

Isn't it ironic to be involved with such a merry occasion when your heart just feels like it would rather shut down. Towards everything. A week after the so called cooling off period, my cousin got married. She looked happy, the happiest she's been.

I sulked the whole day. I don't know why. I felt left out I guess. One more to leave me behind. 2011 - the year of separation. I kid you not. And now I let that aloud, I think it was stupid of me to behaving that way. Apologies.

A month has passed, and the day had finally come. Believe me when I say this that I've never talked to Allah that frequent in my whole life, so that I'll make the right decision.

... I ended it. Why?:

I once thought I could never live without him. Like, dude you can take away everything that I posses and I will still live, but you can't take him away from me -- I'll die. That kind of things y'know.

I don't know when did I start being so dependent on him. I don't know when we stopped being in a relationship and just start being, and pleases each other. "Yes dear" "Okay" "No worries" "why would i be mad at you?" "That won't be a problem" "I don't think we have a problem".

I kept hearing (and saying) the same thing over and over again. My adoration towards him and us, slowly running on empty tank. It's like when, I confess whole heartedly that I love him, all I feel was emptiness. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong or what was missing. He said he needed time, so I gave him a tiny bit of space. He said he wouldn't want to talk to people, so I back off. I let him know that he can count on me should there be anything, but at the same time my patience getting thinner and thinner.

I kept waiting. And I kept on trying to be the girl. I think I half-succeeded in being one. I liked who I was, and I was full of doubts of what I've become. Did I do this right? Am I doing the right thing? Is he the one worth risking it all for? -- I live on this as long as I could remember. It could be months, years maybe. But I shut that thoughts off, because I thought if I change for the better, he would too.

I was waiting for him to make me happy. While I was waiting I learnt how to be happy on my own. That's not a bad thing to learn isn't it? I think I gave too much and receive too little. I always wait for him to do things. I always planned and planned but they never happens. I always tells him all sorts of happy stuff so that he won't think that I'm such a bummer.

Dude, I lost the comfort of living in my own house. I lost the comfort of living with a family. I lost my late night sessions with my brothers, my work was/is a mess, I felt insecure most of the time, and I'm trying to be okay with all that... but I can't do it alone. It's too much for me to handle alone. Deep down inside, I always wish I could talk about my problems to him so that it'll ease me a little. But I don't want to be selfish so I let it go.

Yes, we fell into a routine. A routine that you would never bother to change. I can't be in a relationship where I'm doing all the work. It takes two to tango. I can't and will never understand how can he make it seems like all we had is nothing, how he didn't fight for us. How he just.. gave up. I can't keep on trying to be in a relationship where I'm the only one in it to win.

Seeing my cousin being so happy with her now husband, it gave me a few things to think about.

I started questioning my feelings, I started re-evaluating my life and step outside the box. I wasn't happy with him, (although losing him sucked so bad), I guess I was getting too comfortable having someone around. Maybe I took him for granted. Maybe. I don't know. We didn't hang out much, we didn't talk much -- and how can that even be normal?

He used to appreciate me. I used to feel so in love. But lately, all I've been doing is making excuses for him. That it's the situation, not him. "He's busylah" "Oh, dia kerja today" "Dah jumpa last week, this week dia spend time dengan family pulak" "Oh, phone dia rosak" "He misplaced the phone" "Maybe he's tired".

Most of the time, I feel... ralat. Taudak? :/ Macam, kalau keluar dgn kawan kawan yang kenal si R, R mesti tak ada. Mesti tak ada. Sedih siot. Sedih yang macam I shouldn't be here in the first place. Malas nak jawab soalan "Mana R?". Serious malas. Sebab sedih. I was so excited to be near to him for 8 months but we only meet like.. what, twice a month?

Begging and pleading wont get me nowhere. I have to learn to love myself now because that's all I got. It ended quite okay. I miss him occasionally, but that's about it. Alhamdulillah I'm coping well. No late night tears. That's a good thing.

Four years and 6 months is not a short period. It was tiring to be where I've been. We got our ups but we were down most of the time and i think it's pointless to ask him to try again.

He just lost his biggest could've been.

I'm okay. I'm good. And I'm happy. Sekarang, tawakkal. I gotta live on my own.