A tribute to Po, and everything else in between.

Cheesy alert! (But then again, who reads this blog?)
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Few months back, I met a cat. An extraordinary one. Err, aku ni penakut kucing, sikit sikit. But, it's different with Po. Dulu aku selalu question how can people actually get attached to cats and treat them as family, now i know why. And she's like a sister I never had. Tak make sense kan kalau nak cakap she understands me? But she does. Really, I'm amazed. Ada this one night, I was telling her that I'll be leaving her soon and that I love her, lepastu tu aku tidur. All the while she licked my hand whenever I said I love her, and that I'm scared of what will come next. (And she's never a licker, always a biter) How can that not be sweet? Sighs.

Cats. Nanti, kalau dah ada rumah sendiri, I'll have one. I and S mesti suka :D
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So here I am, back in the Jungle, tempat paling panas dalam Malaysia. Ten months ago, all I can ever think about was to plan out dates with the (now ex) boyfriend, to sort out my transportation problems to and fro the office, and to have fun all the way, as much as I can. Little did I know, things changed drastically. I'm no longer living with the parents, we talked once a month, if not never. Met I and S not on a daily basis (which pains me because I am dependent on them whether I like it or not), - THIS, is a big deal because, unlike some of yous my age, I still care about being under one roof with my flesh and blood, I guess I'm a family person - and well - being single, thats not a shocker, living with family which I'm not that close to but I have to because I got nowhere to go and not enough moolah to rent on my own AND live with their antics. But the toughest part was (still is), living with my emotional breakdowns every once in a while.

Phew.

BUT. Somehow, I manage to keep myself happy. Maybe all of that is a blessing in disguise. I learn how to give and take, I learn how to appreciate things and people around me, and as cliche as this may sound, I learn how to love myself - baby steps baby steps! Banyk benda yang dulu aku ingat, this is it, this is how my life gonna be, not great but not so bad either... but then BAM! it's like Allah's sending me signs.. like He was telling me "Nope D, there's A LOT more to this, and you can be so much better, wake up!"

Alhamdulillah, I can never thank You enough. Never, not in my lifetime.
It's nice, falling in love with your Creator. All the things that anchoring me down are no longer there, and I feel much much lighter. I feel like,my life has been rebooted and all I have is a piece of a blank canvas and I can paint it whichever way I want it to be.

SubhanAllah. Tuhan je tahu apa aku rasa sekarang.
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I hope my final year would be as I wanted it to be. InshaAllah.

Kena halau cara halus. Best gila.

Kuat kuat kuat kuat! Alah sikit je kot. Calar sikit je. Takpe takpe, harini hari dia, esok esok hari kita pulak. C'mon D, dah halfway, sikit lagi nak ke garisan penamat. Things will look brighter, inshAllah. All you have to do is be patient. Sabar D, sabar! Nangis banyak mana, keluar air mata darah pun, takkan change a thing. Ni ujian ni, ujian tahap final year yang susah gila. InshaAllah score. Come on! Sikiiiiiit je lagi. Peduli la apa dia nak kata, apa orang nak buat. They don't know you, they don't know what you are going through. Diorang tau surface je. And they will never understand sebab, dorang tu... orang.

Tsk tsk tsk. Nasib baik S ada lagi kat sini.

Kuat D, kuat! You can do ittttttt!
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On a lighter note, semalam si cantik Sofea (kot ejaannya?) yang baru darjah 3 dok belek belek ipod aku. Aku pulak time tu tengah buka FB sebab nak buat apatah tak ingat plak. Sekali si cantik tanya aku "Kakak, kakak ada facebook?".
Aku pun, mengiyakan, dah terang lagi bersuluh kan soalan tu. Tapi takpe, budak budak, aku layan "Ha'ah ada... :)"

Lepastu, dia cakap camni
"Hah! Sofea pun ada! Meh la add kita!"

Erm, err. errr.
Adik dia, Sarah (4 tahun), tengah main Blackberry. Fuh, canggih betul budak budak sekarang.

A letter to you.

Okay I've been keeping in touch with my past (indirectly) lately, and tonight I went all out. If I can write a letter to my younger self circa 2004-2006, this would be it.
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Dear D,
I am from the future, do not freak out as you won't be able to read this until today anyways. I feel like I need to let you know how I feel about you (myself) looking back on things. First of all, you need to know this: your life was fucked up. Crazy shit. I am thankful now that I am normal. More normal than I/you ever were. Alhamdulillah.

I guess, at one point of our lives, people act weird. I mean, weird weird. I mean, what the hell, I/you got rejected but wanted by the same person at the same time. That was twisted. And, few shit happens, which, darling D, i pity you a whole lot. Hm.

One thing I admire most about you is how well you were with people. Where the hell the old me/you go? Gosh, I miss feeling like that. I/you can just talk to strangers from hours to end minus the awkwardness, can I just tell you that you are awesome? (Y). I suck at meeting new people now, I guess when I was you, I tried to find a littlest bit to love in everybody. Now I'm too cynical I guess. Thing is D, you've changed A LOT. Thanks to all those people too. Remember there this one person telling you that you blame everything on people except you? Well, I guess yeah I take that part in and thanks, I don't anymore. :)

I was taken aback when I came to a point where someone gave you his number. I mean, what was that all about? Talk about mixed signals please! Lol, life just been a bit mundane since you left, 2004 - 2006 werent my best years.

You were, enthusiastic... about everything, which I find very good. I lack in that department now. Who the hell care what language I learn anyways? You. Ah, where does the good go, eh? There's a part of you that I miss, really. But I pick up new things along the way thanks to you.

Oh! OH! How can I forget all about me/you being buddy buddy with fav girl and N? OMG girl you surprise me with your guts. If I were you now I won't do such things and fav girl wouldn't know that I exist. Thank you for letting your guts hanging like that. Not classy per se, but helpful in a way. LOL! Though N has forgotten all about me now, but that's okay. :)

What I'm trying to say is, you were so in the dump as you pictured it, but it wasn't all that bad. You got few things that I lack now. And I think, this too, whatever phase I am, shall pass.

Yours truly,
D.A
Gambar hiasan: Hai D circa 2004 - 2006, I am you now.

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I feel more at night than I do at day. Have you ever felt that way?

Kadang-kadang aku rasa Allah ciptakan malam untuk kita nurse diri kita, yang kadang-kadang masa siang kita ni tak ada langsung nak fikir pasal apa yang kita dah buat, apa kita rasa, apa kita dah accomplish.

Aku rasa waktu malam adalah masa yang paling magical dalam sehari. Sebab bila malam, I feel close towards everything, towards myself, towards my family, towards my Creator. Dan masa malam jugak lah aku akan rasa benda-benda yang kadang-kadang crappy, tapi aku kena rasa. That what makes me human. What makes us human.

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Sekarang dah bulan Oktober, aku dah janji dengan diri yang bulan ini will be the best out of the best October I've ever lived. Saja. I feel like I need to accomplish more, and feel less. Tolak tepi benda-benda yang tak sepatutnya and be content with what I have and will have.

Aku pernah baca somewhere yang setiap inci tubuh kita sentiasa berubah in the past 6 months. Siapa aku pada April lepas bukan aku yang sekarang. I'm renewed.

These changes, better be worth it.

Obviously

Tadi, bumped into few of familiar faces, they said I seems happy. Lol. Sebenarnya aku dok fikir nak tegur (perli ehe) this guy friend of mine and I think it shows kot sebab aku macam tergelak sorang-sorang before I could really tease him. Diorang siap suruh explain siapa yang buat aku happy (nampak sangat muka aku memang gloomy gila kalau tengah jalan, e he he), and macam takkan aku nak share inside jokes I just had with myself kan? So aku biarkan aje.

Seriously-lah, I think I have too many inside jokes inside my head and I can burst laughing anytime and if at the same time ada manusia yang perasan sure ingat aku tak berapa nak betul. Thing is, tak semua faham, dan jokes takkan jadi jokes kalau kau kena explain kan? So I let it be.

Anyways, dua hari lepas ada lecturer baru ganti spot the former lecturer of my least favourite subject. Subjek ni mula-mula aku ambik pun sebab aku rasa macam interesting gila, tapi salah satu sebab aku menyampah was that lecturer lama tu macam take into account yang bukan semua budak dalam kelas tu came from the same background. Contohnya aku. Manalah aku nak tau remaizer tu apekebenda, and dia siap cakap "Oh, If you don't know I won't go further"... aku dah cari and aku tak faham. Bila aku tanya nanti dia tanya soalan in jargon yang memang alien gila.

Kira macam aku cakap language coding dengan orang belajar chemical. Tak masuk kan? Ha macam tu ah. Aku lost gila ah before cuti mid sem ni. Lepastu bila dah take over aku suka sangat sebab lecturer yang baru ni selalu go back and forth on financial jargons, so banyak yang aku tahu and banyak yang aku rasa aku boleh tanya untuk fahamkan. Baru dua hari, but I kinda like this lecturer. Nampak effort dia nak ajar. So aku sangat bersyukur lah. (kot. for the time being) Tak kisah lah banyak kerja pun, janji aku faham.

Oh oh! Investment portfolio aku naik sikit. Happpppyyyy sangat ni. Even aku kat rank #10000++ E he he, budak baru belajar okay lah kan nampak naik sikit. Hee.

Anyways, tiba-tiba semalam tergerak hati nak tulis using my left hand sebab ada budak yang aku macam suka tengok ada sikit accident yang sebabkan dia tak boleh nak menulis using dia punya tangan kanan (she's a righty, obviously), so macam aku terfikir ah kan, kalau aku kena macam dia, how am I supposed to learn to write using left hand promptly? Malang tak berbau kan. Aku rasa orang lefty attractive and very artsy, aku rasa lah. Sebab most of lefties I know semua macam confidence dia tinggi lain macam sikit and macam charming sikit lah so that what makes them attractive (loverboy included ahem.) to me.

So yeah, obviously tulisan aku cam cibs. E he he. Kalau tengok tulisan aku yang betul betul pun tak semua orang faham sebab aku suka short-hand notes. Semua macam cacing. Honestly, bila dah bergelumang dengan coding for four years aku rasa macam pen dan pensel tu semua tak relevan untuk wujud. Tak ada guna. Nak menulis pun kekok. Buruk gila ah tulisan aku, orang-orang tertentu je faham (example: ex-lecturers), kadang-kadang aku sendiri tak faham e he he.

Oh yeah, semalam (or ke today? aku confused lah EST timeline ni. hm) was/is Glee Day. Excited okay! Glee kids nyanyi Billionaire (like hello! Bruno Mars! (<3) and Travie) Hee. Tak sabar, cepat leak pleaseeee!

Oh, dan, Hello! (harini post tak emo kan kan kan? Sebab dah penat :) )

Oh #1

Aku selalu ada sudden urges nak tulis lagu,mainkan dan record depan laptop. Pernah try, tapi tak berapa mengujakan. Tapi mahu lagi. I havent been using creative writing as my creative outlet in a long while. Bertahun.

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Rindu rasa satisfied dekat diri sendiri. Rasa bangga dekat diri sendiri. Sendiri simpan sorang-sorang rasa tu, rasa exclusive gila.

p/s: Quiz lepas aku tak dapat jawab. Silap aku mungkin. Sedih, Tuhan je yang tahu banyak mana.