//75

Dulu aku ada dinding,
Tinggi melangit,
Lebih keras dari konkrit.


Tapi,
Satu hari, dinding aku berlubang,
sikit sikit aku biar,
jadi ia runtuh.


Aku jadi gelisah.


Aku bina balik sikit sikit,
Lebih keras dari yang dulu,
Lebih tahan lasak dari yang dulu,


Tapi,
Satu hari aku leka,
Sikit sikit dinding aku terbiar,
Rosak juga rasanya.


Tapi,
Satu hari aku sedar,
Yang aku perlu teruskan bina dinding yang itu,
Makin lama aku leka,
Makin lama aku biar,
Aku jadi tak siuman,
Aku jadi sakit tak tentu hala.


Jadi,
Mulai hari ni,
misi aku untuk siapkan projek dinding yang terbengkalai,
Biar kali ini,
Cuma yang mampu runtuhkan,
Rosakkan,
Dan hilangkan,


Hanya yang mampu.


Jadi,
Jangan tanya kalau aku sibuk membina,
Tak hiraukan apa,
Tak kira siapa,
Tak tentu masa,
Terlalu banyak sebabnya.
--
Isya'
Final study week, 
Tronoh.

//65

Dear future husband,
In hope to finally meet you I'm making a list of "people-I-should-talk-to", and make it a priority to cross out as many people as possible. This list contains people whom I think highly of, who are visionary, ambitious, admirable, and interesting. Which I'm certain you would be on the list, sooner or later.

So that when it's time to finally meet you, I won't fumble, trip and choke on my words, just to say "Salam Alayk"

I've crossed out a few.

:)

//62

--
It would be nice to fall in love again.

//57

Truth is, I'm not ready to see you. I mean, hypothetically, I am not. Though I haven't talked to you in a while and we had something (albeit, not much), after the break up, I don't think I will ever be ready to see you. To see you crosses the street with your fiance, walking hand in hand with a happy smile on your face.

Don't get me wrong, if given the chance to have it all again with you - I don't want it. I don't want to miss you, I don't want to love you - and I haven't been doing all that in a very long while, which is good. But I still think I cannot ever be ready for that day.
--
We are two (too) different entities. Always have been. It just feels ...lonely at times. But I have so many people that love me more than you did, right now. You should always (always) remember that, dalila.

//14

Penang was awesome. I love Penang, I love sharing the same oxygen with its awesome people. And the beaches. And when the whole island lit up, oh my god. It was so beautiful I wish I could keep it in a jar or something.
--
Feeling a bit, meh lately. Maybe due to the workload. Maybe, I don't know. I should start running again, I miss running. And, I just realized something. I was that good of a person during that particular time, I was. And I didn't deserve any of it. I love wholeheartedly and that's that. I shouldn't feel guilty/down/whatever yeah? Life moves on. I should too.
--

My little boyfriend. Who, loves me unconditionally when I have food at hand.

Agaknya kalau akulah yang on that plane and akulah yang nak menuju sana buat umrah, mungkin sampai sampai je depan kaabah nanti, akulah orang yang mula mula akan menangis dari awal sampai habis. Mungkin sepanjang perjalanan tu aku akan sebak je. Sebab aku tengah imagine ni. Seronoknya orang yang dapat pegi sana, dapat direct line berhubung terus, dah lah bulan puasa sekarang ni. I cannot wait for my turn. I hope aku dapat tunaikan yang kelima tu before aku mati. I hope aku dapat buat sehabis baik.

Agaknya kalau aku berbumbung sendiri, tak rasa macam ni nikmat hidup. Sikit sikit nak complaint, sikit sikit nak salahkan parents. Agaknya tak dapat merasa hidup macam ni. Sekarang benda ni semua tengah tolong aku jadi orang. Kalau aku duduk sebumbung Abah mungkin aku takkan nampak the reality of life. That people won't actually give a shit no matter how helpless you are. Agaknya kalau people actually give a shit, aku tak merasa nak appreciate apa dan siapa yang ada dengan aku sentiasa.

Agaknya, kalau ibu ada lagi, mungkin aku akan jadi budak paling pemalas, degil, ungrateful, whiny bitch. Kalau ibu ada lagi mungkin akulah yang itu. Mungkin aku takkan reti buat benda benda ni semua, sebab ibu sayang aku, ibu sayang kami, kalau boleh angkat pinggan pun dia tak bagi anak dia buat.

Agaknya, kalau aku still ada yang itu, aku takkan pandang yang Ini.
Aku takkan mengadu yang dekat Situ.
Aku takkan teresak, lepastu tahan.


Agaknya, kalau aku selemah yang aku sangka. Mungkin aku dah buat kerja bodoh, macam tulis surat ala ala "Selamat tinggal dunia".

Tapi tak. Semuanya tak.
D, put yourself together. Please, just this time. Just one more time.



I'm not your charity case, don't pick me up for your own bigot motives and then put me down when you just can't do it anymore. Put on your running shoes and run a mile in mine. Please? But I guess that's too much to ask for now. I should be thankful that I've a place to crash, at least for now.

Everything, every single line.

Fast forward to now. I can't believe I'm still with you. I still remember the emotionally grueling 5 hours bus and train rides with you on the other end making sure that I was okay. I miss you. I miss Atuk the most. I miss everything. I'm too vulnerable sometimes, and I hate that.

I've been here before not long ago, with someone just as beautiful, just as doubtful.

Remind me how we got this far.

My go-to song if things seem like they're crumbling apart.

For the time being, I am not so sure myself, just feelin' a bit, meh.

I hate to assume.

Prove me wrong, will you?

Lost Muse.

I used to write countless pieces whenever my heart is heavy.

Now I couldn't.

I lost a very part of me that I'm proud of.

I stopped writing. Everything just screams Blegh!

I'm not sure it's a wise thing to do,

to let my muse let loose.

--

(via thingssheloves)

Autopilot.

If I could take out my heart and stop my head from thinking, I would. These thoughts are damaging.

--

Being far from one another affects me the most. I don't think I'm this vulnerable when I was in Kuantan 2 years ago. We had our feelings blooming for each other for that 2 and half years. It was so memorable, I chose not to forget.

--

(via papertissue)

I wish time stops. I wish I didn't change. I wish we didn't change. I wish we didn't grow up. I wish responsibility is just a word for adulthood. I wish we never enter adulthood. I wish we were still who we were. I wish you're thinking of me as bad as I think of you.

Absence does makes the heart grow fonder. But I hate this distance between you and me. It makes me ugly.